Author Archives: Tom Levier
America’s Vacationing Children Already Bored
Washington DC – Thousands of school age children marched on Washington D.C. Monday morning to call attention to a tragedy that is affecting their young lives: they have absolutely nothing to do now that summer vacation has started.
“We are soooooo bored,” 11 year old Kaitlyn Ashmore, spokesperson for America’s bored children complained to the thousands of children and parents assembled on the National Mall. “There’s nothing good on TV and it’s too hot to go outside. We demand that our parents take us somewhere interesting and fun right now, like to the mall or to a friend’s house as long as they have a pool. We promise the parents of this nation we will lay around the house and whine incessantly until you plan us a full summer of expensive and stimulating activities that must take place in the afternoon as we plan to sleep late for the next three months.”
The parents of the United States agreed to meet with their children at dinner to discuss these demands, and immediately began searching the internet for inexpensive, local summer camps.
Drunken Assholes Prepare for St. Patrick’s Day
(New York) – As New York City makes final preparations for the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade on Saturday, thousands of assholes from the tri-state area are also gearing up to invade Manhattan; turning the annual celebration of Irish heritage into a drunken orgy of fistfights and public urination.
“Woooooooo! Saint Patty’s Day!” Long Island resident Tony Matteo screamed as he laid out his Saint Patrick’s Day wardrobe – A t-shirt with the words “Do Me I’m Irish” printed on it. “I can’t fucking wait for Saturday, bro. I’m gonna drink a whole bottle of Absolut on the train so I’ll be ripped by the time I hit the city. Then after that, who the fuck knows? Last year I punched three bartenders who refused to serve me and my bros. It’s gonna be pretty fucking hard to beat that record bro.”
Matteo also hopes to break a few car windows and molest as many half conscious woman as he can before passing out in a subway station early Sunday morning.
Turnips to be Ignored Again on Thanksgiving
Millions of Americans will ignore the turnips at the Thanksgiving table again this year, turning their attention to the much more popular and better tasting food that was prepared for them, and those busy preparing the annual feast have no problem with that.
“I don’t know why I ever bothered to make turnips year after year,” Rhode Island Mother Jennifer Miller commented as she loaded a turkey and other Thanksgiving groceries into her car. “Nobody ever ate them except for my Aunt, but she stopped coming to our house for Thanksgiving two years ago because my daughter got engaged to an Italian. Can’t say I miss her, or turnips. ”
In a nationwide poll conducted recently revealed a staggering 93% of Thanksgiving dinner guests will pass the turnips on to the person seated next to them while filling up on mashed potatoes, Grandma’s kick-ass stuffing, and the cranberry sauce that comes out of the can.
Pic of the Week! (November 11-17)
Andy Barkin of Decatur, Ga sent us this awesome photo taken at the Decatur County Fair this past summer. Pictured is the thrilling “Cyclone Swings,” which Barkin rode 25 times straight on a dare from his girlfriend Kaitlyn. Barkin was ready to go for more, but he was asked to leave the carnival when he threw up on the Cyclone Swings operator. Congratulations on your amazing accomplishment Andy, Kaitlyn is one lucky girl!