Blog Archives
Local Couple Gives Birth to Children Way Better Than Yours
(Napa) Local financial planner Jennifer Sturbridge-Morrison gave birth to twins early Wednesday morning, a boy and a girl who are destined to be more powerful, successful and just plain better than your kids will ever be.
“Jen and her husband Mark are thrilled beyond belief to be the parents of two beautiful children who are at this moment more perfect and important than the children of any of their friends will ever hope to be in their entire lives,” a relative of the couple posted on the Facebook page created for the birth. “Jen and Mark hope the birth of their children will inspire other people to raise their children to be strong and proud so that some day they may be able to work for their amazing offspring.”
The Morrison’s boy and girl have already secured two spots at the prestigious Vanderbilt Academy and have a photo shoot lined up for Parents magazine which let’s face it, makes that picture hanging on the refrigerator that your kid drew the other day look like a gigantic pile of crap.
Imaginary Girlfriend Dumped
(Tampa) Vanessa, the imaginary girlfriend of Palmetto Beach resident Tim Rogers was devastated to learn that she had been dumped over the weekend; replaced by Christine Moore, a real flesh and blood woman Rogers met through friends.
“I cannot believe this has happened,” said the figment of Tim’s imagination who has been with him since College. “I should have known he was pulling away from me when he started conversing with real girls at bars instead of sitting in a corner talking to me.”
Though reomorseful, Rogers was very straightforward about his decision to end things with Venessa, a sexy brunette who looks like a combination of Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima and Jessica Biel when she was on that 7th Heaven show.
“Vanessa was a great fantasy girl,” Rogers said as he prepared for his date with Christine. “But I’m looking for a woman who has thoughts other than my own and wears something besides a Catwoman costume. Plus, it’s so much easier to have a conversation with Christine since I don’t have to do both voices.”
Vanessa sadly packed up her imaginary belongings and quietly moved to the back of Roger’s subconscious mind early Tuesday morning, where she will share a small space with Roger’s imaginary childhood friend Toby and that incident at Summer camp in 1986 that is just waiting to escape.
Dysfunctional Family Enjoys Incident Free Meal
(Des Moines) For the first time in recent memory, The Mitchell family enjoyed a pleasant Sunday dinner with out all the psychotic behavior that occurs during family meals.
“It’s so wonderful seeing them like this,” Kate Mitchell commented as her husband and two kids exchanged pleasantries. “Usually Steve’s feelings of inadequacy as a Father and a provider for his family cause him to lash out at little Brian, but they all seem to be happy together, and Tiffany is actually eating something. I guess that bullemia thing was just a phase.”
Kate was so pleased with her family’s behavior she decided to wait until Monday to tell them she’s running off to Las Vegas with Brian’s 17 year old math tutor Jamal.
The Gallows 