Category Archives: Fiction
America’s Vacationing Children Already Bored
Washington DC – Thousands of school age children marched on Washington D.C. Monday morning to call attention to a tragedy that is affecting their young lives: they have absolutely nothing to do now that summer vacation has started.
“We are soooooo bored,” 11 year old Kaitlyn Ashmore, spokesperson for America’s bored children complained to the thousands of children and parents assembled on the National Mall. “There’s nothing good on TV and it’s too hot to go outside. We demand that our parents take us somewhere interesting and fun right now, like to the mall or to a friend’s house as long as they have a pool. We promise the parents of this nation we will lay around the house and whine incessantly until you plan us a full summer of expensive and stimulating activities that must take place in the afternoon as we plan to sleep late for the next three months.”
The parents of the United States agreed to meet with their children at dinner to discuss these demands, and immediately began searching the internet for inexpensive, local summer camps.
Drunken Assholes Prepare for St. Patrick’s Day
(New York) – As New York City makes final preparations for the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade on Saturday, thousands of assholes from the tri-state area are also gearing up to invade Manhattan; turning the annual celebration of Irish heritage into a drunken orgy of fistfights and public urination.
“Woooooooo! Saint Patty’s Day!” Long Island resident Tony Matteo screamed as he laid out his Saint Patrick’s Day wardrobe – A t-shirt with the words “Do Me I’m Irish” printed on it. “I can’t fucking wait for Saturday, bro. I’m gonna drink a whole bottle of Absolut on the train so I’ll be ripped by the time I hit the city. Then after that, who the fuck knows? Last year I punched three bartenders who refused to serve me and my bros. It’s gonna be pretty fucking hard to beat that record bro.”
Matteo also hopes to break a few car windows and molest as many half conscious woman as he can before passing out in a subway station early Sunday morning.
A J. Crew Christmas
By Reginald Vanstock IV, Gallows Money and Finance Editor
Without a doubt my favorite time of year, and I’m sure you will all agree, is Christmas. Though I spend the holiday with my lovely wife Kirsten and my twin daughters (also named Kirsten) now, I remember fondly those wonderful Christmases when I was a young college lad; a fresh faced youth with a twinkle in my eye, the world at my fingertips and my juvenile criminal record sealed forever.
I remember one particular Christmas like it was only yesterday – me buttoning up my Wallace and Barnes Sawtooth parka and hopping into my Saab 9000 with my brother Chad and my sister Chandler for our annual pilgrimage to Connecticut to spend the holiday with our beloved father and his new wife Sandi (with a i).
Oh how I look forward to sitting in front of a roaring fire, my feet warm as toast in my MacAlister Field Boots, with Father and Sandy (San, for short) discussing what College she’ll be attending in the Fall after she graduates High School.
And those chilly mornings in my Black Watch Tartan flannel robe with matching sleep pants, helping Chandler prepare her famous Eggs Benedict with chocolate chip croissants. “Don’t use too many chocolate chips,” she chides, padding across the floor in her Darby Velvet Loafers. Oh, that Chandler, I sigh to myself, marveling at how well she’s doing now that she’s back on Lithium.
Then it’s off into the forest with dear brother Chad to find the perfect Christmas tree. Our Boulder Down Vests and 484 Vintage Cords keep the chilly winds at bay as we trudge back to the house with our evergreen prize, discussing with Chad how those years in prison have strengthened his character.
As we gather in the living room in our Cashmere Henley Hoodies to decorate the tree, sipping mold wine while Father’s housekeeper Juanita prepares our Christmas eve dinner, we can’t help but think this is the way Christmas should always be.
The fire crackles away as we take turns talking to mother on the phone, who loved the Anchor Scarf and matching angora gloves we sent, and making plans for the new year when she returns from her “rest” in Palm Springs.
God Bless us, everyone.
Reggie and his family hope all of your Christmases are white, and wrapped in cashmere.
Turnips to be Ignored Again on Thanksgiving
Millions of Americans will ignore the turnips at the Thanksgiving table again this year, turning their attention to the much more popular and better tasting food that was prepared for them, and those busy preparing the annual feast have no problem with that.
“I don’t know why I ever bothered to make turnips year after year,” Rhode Island Mother Jennifer Miller commented as she loaded a turkey and other Thanksgiving groceries into her car. “Nobody ever ate them except for my Aunt, but she stopped coming to our house for Thanksgiving two years ago because my daughter got engaged to an Italian. Can’t say I miss her, or turnips. ”
In a nationwide poll conducted recently revealed a staggering 93% of Thanksgiving dinner guests will pass the turnips on to the person seated next to them while filling up on mashed potatoes, Grandma’s kick-ass stuffing, and the cranberry sauce that comes out of the can.
Community Bulletin Board #6
FOR SALE!
OLD TIMEY PROJECTOR THING
Hey. My Mom wants to sell this 3M Overhead Projector thing, so she’s making me post this ad instead of driving me over to Steve’s house.
It’s used to project things on a wall or something like that, I wasn’t paying attention when she told me what it does.
Apparently it was used a long time ago in classrooms before computers, TVs, and other cool shit was invented. Man, it must have sucked to be a student back then. Hey class! Lets look at pictures on the wall! Awesome! Then we can talk about how to fight dinosaurs and that new thing called fire. Dumbasses.
It doesn’t have bluetooth, it’s not wireless, and you focus it by turning some knobs. Jesus, do you have to turn it on and off yourself too? Oh wait, yes you do!
Anyway, here’s the old projector thing. My Mom is asking 75 bucks for it, but she’ll probably trade it for something else people used back then, like a butter churn or one of those record players.
Anyone interested in purchasing this 3M Overhead Projector should contact Jeremy’s mother Francine Whatley of Dearborn Avenue.
The Gallows 